Happiness is a matter of perception.

I'm sitting here in the college cafeteria. My headphones are drowning out the chattering of each neighboring table with the sound of Taylor Swift's voice. She sings about a beautiful magic love affair, a sad beautiful tragic one. In this moment I'm wondering how two things can be completely opposite yet the same all at one time. Suddenly I'm drawing parallels to my own life.

Here I am.
Watching. Waiting. Eating. Breathing.
Both eyes moving together.
One minute after another.

One mouthful of food at a time.
One breath after the next...

And to everyone in this room I probably seem to be living a rather simple life. Just watching, waiting, eating, and breathing. I suppose that is probably true. I am just watching, waiting, eating and breathing right now. But it feels like I'm doing so much more. I am living simply. But I have a severely complex schedule, which my life is based on from day to day.
I wake, shower, eat, ready myself for the day, drive either to work, or college (sometimes both), I run my department during each 10 hour shift, I go from class to class and then from student to student as I am a tutor, and when the day is done and my time is used up, I go home. I do homework, eat, ready myself for sleep, and my body shuts off for anywhere from 5-9 hours. I shouldn't make myself sound like a robot. But, I feel like one.

I feel like a confused robot. Like my life is just a long list of things to do, places to go, people to see. I think I understand what it means to feel completely opposing feelings at the same time.
Let me explain:

I'm happy because I'm making progress, and I'm getting somewhere. Slowly, but surely. There's a lot that I'm thankful for. I have a great family, decent friends, an extraordinary boyfriend. I'm smart, and beautiful. I'm not in any debt, and I recently bought myself a reliable vehicle, which I love. I have a full time job, and a part time one, and I have the privilege to tutor other students. I'm not struggling financially, as I work hard to pay for the things I have. I'm healthy, and striving. What more could a person ask for? I'm married to my life, and we have a beautiful magic love affair.

The problem is, I'm terribly sad at the same time. And no one seems to understand why. I honestly can't tell you how many times I have heard the following words:

"You have so much to look forward to in the future."

"It won't be like this forever."

"Someday you're going to look back and be happy that you did this."

"You can do it, you're so smart."

"You're so lucky."

Ah. The last two are my favorites. They think I'm lucky. They think I'm smart. Yes. That must be what this misery is. It's all luck. It's all because I'm smart.

When I hear this from people I want to grab them by the throat and choke slam them into the ground (sorry for the violence, but it's true). The consequence of my hard work, and responsible decision making is not luck. And where I am today is not just because I am smart. There is a difference between smart people and hardworking people- and I can tell you right now, that if I was smart, I would not struggle like I do.

Anyways, back to no one understanding my sadness: A few days ago I came home from work. I got up at 6:45 am, showered, and arrived to work at 8:00 am. After 10 hours I returned home to find the lights off, boyfriend sitting on the couch, controller in hand, gun fire noises filling the room. I can hardly explain what I was feeling at that moment. I was irritated. Enraged. Livid. Upset. Sad. Confused. In that order too. All within the first few seconds of walking in the door. I sat at the table, trying to collect myself, and to figure out what I ought to do. Jared came up behind me and whispered, "You've not said 10 words since you've been in the door. What's wrong?" Before I knew it nonchalant insults were flying out left and right. Jared's blood was beginning to boil, so I did I all I knew how. We stood holding eachother for at least 10 minutes before either of us said a word. 

Jared's voice came over smooth and cool, "What's wrong, honey."  

I sobbed, "I don't want to stand up any more," and I immediately crumpled to the floor.

I think we layed on the living room floor for another 20 minutes, just holding onto oneanother, not saying anything. Finally I broke the silence with the best explanation I knew to give.

"You have to understand how it feels to wake up every day knowing that in the next 24 hours, everything you do is going to be a check off the never ending, reoccurring list of things to do that you really would rather not do. It starts to really take a toll on you when you're constantly working toward a goal which gives no feeling of accomplishment until the very last time you have to go through the motions. It makes it seem unattainable, and because of that, everything you have to do that you don't want to do seems useless. Eventually you become more and more miserable, and your misery seems to be the product of useless actions that will never bring you any closer to accomplishing your goal."

He listened patiently.

My voice was muffled by his chest. "Sometimes I just want to give up."

I felt his hand begin to rub circles into my back. His soft lips kissed my forehead. 

"I'm sad because there is nothing I am doing today, or any day, that I want to do. I haven't been able to do the things I want to do in so long. What is the purpose of having your own life if it is not to do what you want to do with it each and every day?"

"What do you want to do?" He asked.

I stared blankly at the wall directly across from us. It occured to me that no one had ever asked me this question before. I have always taken the reigns and done whatever is in my best interest, whether I want to do it or not.

 The question repeated itself again and again in my mind. What do I want to do?

"Well?" He urged me to answer.

"I want to be happy," I said quietly.

Jared looked me straight in the face and said, "Then be happy. Just be happy." 

Suddenly it was just that simple. Being happy is not what happens when you do certain things. Being happy does not have to be the result of what you do in a day. Being happy is having a positive state of mind. It is not worrying about what was or what will be, but rather what is. Being happy is taking things day by day. One foot in front of the other. Being happy is taking things one second at a time, for however long it takes. It is taking the good and the bad together, and making the best of things. Afterall, you can't have one without the other. Being happy is embracing the dualities in our lives and choosing to put more energy into the good parts than the bad.

So, in the next few days, when work and school combined with everything else that makes a teenager's life completely hectic takes over, causing me to feel like I'm married to a life that is sad beautiful and tragic, I will remember that while it seems sad and tragic, it is still beautiful. And that being happy it is only a matter of perception that can only be decided by the eye of the beholder.

Update on my website...

There's a new post up on my website!

Go ahead and check it out at  Word, Sentence, Story. 

Also, if you're reading this, that means that more than likely you follow me here, so you may as well follow me there too. It's not about the number of followers, it's about making sure that you are all able to read the content that I publish. I want you to be involved in my writing because it is such a huge part of who I am!

I plan to have a review up at the end of this month / beginning of next month, and some further news about my book will make it's way to the webpage in the next couple of weeks... So stay tuned for that!

As you can tell, there's not a whole lot else going on at the moment... However, this Friday is our annual Canoe trip, and I'm definitely going to be posting some pictures and whatnot about that.

Can't wait to share more with you all,

xoxoxo

-Miranda Lynn

Attention Readers!

Hi Everyone!

I have decided to make another blog!

I would really appreciate it if you went over and decided to follow my posts there as well as here. All you have to do is click on the link below:


Word, Sentence, Story.



I'll be keeping this blog as a way for everyone to continue touching base with me on a personal level, however, I decided it is time to make a real website for my professional writing.

If you are interested in short stories, books, script, poetry, free writing, book reviews, good reads, research writing, interviews, and some writing related videos, head on over and subscribe right now!

I'm so looking forward to seeing you all there!

-Miranda Lynn

I'll be changing my mind.

Last week I told you how important you are to me but you didn't listen.
Last week you told me you really do care but friends is all we can be.
Last week you told me you don't want to hurt me anymore, but you are.
Last week you made my mosaic heart break into smaller pieces than it has before.

Three days ago we made intimate & passionate love at 2:00 in the a.m.
Three days ago things felt okay, and I even woke up in a good mood.
Three days ago you officially entered a committed relationship with her.
Three days ago my mosaic heart broke into smaller pieces than it ever had before.

Today I've been hurting so much more than I ever thought possible.
Today I've been thinking of you even thought I don't want to at all.
Today I've been trying to feel okay about all this, but I can't do it.
Today my mosaic heart is breaking into smaller pieces than it ever has before.

Tonight I'm feeling that pain which seems like it will never go away.
Tonight I'm needing somebody, so please tell me you're somebody.
Tonight I'm wanting to just crash and fall down, since it's all over now.
Tonight my mosaic heart is breaking into smaller pieces than it ever has before.

In this moment I'm wishing that you would've given me an opportunity.
In this moment I'm realizing that things will never be the same again.
In this moment I'm wiping away the last tear & leaving the past behind.
In this moment I'm deciding that my heart has been shattered by you for the last time.

In the morning I'm going to wake up and feel brand new again.
In the morning I'm going to be confident in my independent self.
In the morning I'm not going to regret choosing not to beg you back.
In the morning I'm not going to let you shatter my mosaic heart into pieces any smaller.

Tomorrow will be the first day of a future that is not including you.
Tomorrow will be the first time in a long while that I won't need you.
Tomorrow will be the first of many lessons finally learned & put to use.
Tomorrow will be the first chance I get to repair the pieces of my broken mosaic heart.

Three days from now I'll be doing much better than I am right now.
Three days from now I'll be thinking of you much less than I am now.
Three days from now I might not cry myself to sleep over you again.
Three days from now I'll be trying to guard my half pieced together mosaic heart of porcelain.

In one week you'll be changing your mind.
In one week I'll be standing strong without you.
In one week all this will be a mere memory.
In one week I'll know better than to ever wear my mosaic heart on my sleeve again...



                                                                                       ...just as soon as you give me a reason to.

Someday You Might.

Someday You Might

By: Miranda Byard (Me)

I find myself going back,

During times when I least expect to.

I fear my mind is forever clouded,

With the memories I have of you.

I hadn’t ever pictured things,

The way they are today.

I fought tooth and nail to keep you,

Tried to convince you to stay.

Nothing could prevent you,

From doing what you would.

Actions which caused controversy-

Undeniably misunderstood.

These things they would happen,

Day in and day out.

We’d fight and make up,

Forget what it was about.

And eventually it became so often,

We didn’t know why we were together.

We’d come to a mutual agreement,

Decided to throw away forever.

I never wanted this for us,

But looking ahead I thought I might.

Here I am 10 months later,

And you’re still the reason I write.

Your sweatshirt is still in my closet,

I’ve got your ring hidden away.

There are pictures in my dresser,

That I still look at every day.

And I know I can’t keep doing this,

Because it does nothing good.

I’ve been told to forget about you,

And I would if I could.

So I’ll sit here and feel sorry,

For myself and for you.

My heart is heavy with sorrow,

Because there’s nothing we can do.

And I hate to admit it,

But I still feel it in my chest.

You’re still that special person,

Who will always know me best.

I’ve been stuck here waiting,

To hear words you’ll never say.

Impatience pushed me forward,

To pave another way.

I picked myself up,

And dusted off the dirt.

Started walking away,

Pretending it didn’t hurt.

I fooled myself for a while,

Into thinking I’d be alright.

I had the help of one person,

Who held me close at night.

But I wasn’t getting better,

I started feeling much worse.

I’d accepted his lustful offer,

A form of ‘love’ so perverse.

An unhealthy relationship budded,

A replacement to my missing link,

Numbed the painful thought of you,

And helped me not to think.

It started out as one thing,

But soon became something else,

I knew he was trouble.

Influenza infecting good health.

He’d sleep and I’d wake,

Every day was the same.

Tomorrow’s pain would mirror today’s,

We’ve spent 10 months playing this game.

Walking on eggshells in the morning,

Sleeping on a bed of nails every night.

Playing pretend, wrong rules in mind,

All other concerns out of sight.

But I got tired of tiptoeing around,

I couldn’t hold my tongue anymore.

For too long I’d been hurting,

Crying alone behind closed doors.

And even then I couldn’t do it.

Couldn’t find it in me to tell him goodbye.

Instead we’d roll around in a bed full of tears,

And I couldn’t tell you why.

Every time I felt alone,

He’s who I decided to go to.

But every night I spent with him,

I was reminded of you.

It’s always back and forth,

He loves me, he loves me not.

Just last night we fought,

And then I gave him all I’ve got.

Desperate words left my mouth,

Just as our eyes did meet.

My heart beat faster,

Than the cars on my street.

“I can be whatever you want”

I whispered between clenched teeth.

But he couldn’t even look at me,

Eyes fixed on the ground beneath.

The silence between us,

Forced another mouthful of lies.

“We can just be friends then,

I’ve felt nothing this whole time”

And all I got from him,

Were three short words and a half glance.

“Meet me upstairs.”

This was my chance.

I was praying he’d believe me,

Hoping he’d be the one to give in.

But I couldn’t keep him waiting any longer,

So I went inside and let him win.

My stomach was in knots,

When he made his way to the door.

And the tears started flowing,

He’d left and I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

I cried so hard,

For the love I wanted so bad.

I awoke to tear stained pillows,

Makeshift sponges, soaking up the sad.

And in the mirror the next morning,

A mascara streaked face stares back.

A reminder of failed attempts,

And hurt feelings make their attack.

All over again the pain returns,

My red eyes rim with tears too wet.

Now I’m choking on my feelings,

Wishing him and I had never met.

It began as an innocent crush,

Now I’m feeling a self-inflicted burn,

Because crash after crash,

I still haven’t learned.

Eventually I’ll get smart,

And I’ll find the courage it will take,

To turn my back on this mess,

And stop this heartache.

When I finally force myself forward,

One foot after the other,

I’ll continue this journey,

Searching for another.

And even then,

Not much will change.

I’ll still look at our pictures,

And cry out your name.

I’ll relive our memories,

Day after day.

Trying to forget all the words,

That at one time you did say.

I’ll still see your face,

In strangers on the street.

I’ll still be picking up the pieces,

Of promises you could still decide to keep.

And at the end of each day,

I’ll turn out the lights.

I’ll be hoping and praying,

That someday you might.

mosaic broken hearts.

At the start of the new year I made plans to better myself, just as everyone does. Instead, I made some poor decisions that I am currently suffering the consequences of. Six, almost seven months ago, I experienced  some life changes. I learned what it feels like to be truly alone. I moved from home, my friends moved from home, we all started college in different towns, I lost my best friend when a two year relationship ended, and from there everything got a little hazy. Well, a lot actually. My heart got the best of me, and all common sense went out the window as I made the drive to the place where it all started.

It was sometime during the second week of January; I don't care to remember any more details than the ones which already remain in my mind unwelcome. It was early in the morning, and my mom was asleep. It was too easy: I slipped out of the house unnoticed, and made my way out of the driveway, and down the highway. My heart thumped louder than usual, and my phone was clenched tight in my sweaty shaking hand. Taylor Swift's "The Moment I Knew" hummed in the background, my best effort to calm myself, but I remained short of breath the entire 4 minute, 1.6 mile drive. 

On the left, the Emmet Brick and Block building was suddenly in sight, then one...two...three...four...five... six houses down, and there it was: A little white house connected to a small garage placed in a small yard close to the road. The next thing I knew I was slipping through the garage door and following a broken man's footsteps into the basement of what used to be the place he called home.

Following this occasion were two additional evenings spent at his friend's apartment, and since then, countless others at his house, as well as my own. Though the locations varied, the feelings exchanged each time were always the same, and the same sweaty sticky feeling we both mistook for love always remained on  our skin and lingered in the air afterwards.

Even tonight, just about an hour ago actually. We follow the same routine every single time. He arrives, parks his van across the street, and enters without knocking. Work shirts pool into individual heaps of blue polyester on my bedroom floor alongside similar attire covering each of our bodies. No words are exchanged, only heavy breaths, deep groans, and the occasional whimper. Afterwards, we lay together for a few short minutes, and then he mutters the same few short words, "I should go soon," and I reply, "I'll walk you down." The door swings open, and slowly latches shut. Then the rev of an old engine is drowned out by the same sobs that emit from the inside of my burning throat. 

I cry. The same sad cry of deep reoccurring pain and sorrow, accompanied by feelings of self pity, hatred, and disappointment. All the result of a problem I created for myself. It's really self inflicted pain, but there's something about feeling wanted and not alone, even if it's just for a short amount of time, that makes what we're doing seem okay enough to let it continue happening. There's something about the rush of pleasure that pulses through our bodies when fierce brown eyes meet icy blue. There's something about the tingle that makes its way from head to toe when there's nothing between our beating hearts but naked salty skin. There's something about being needed by another person, and allowing yourself to become completely vulnerable to meet their needs at your own expense. There's something about all that, which feels so damn good, but there's also something about what we're doing that hurts more than anything I've ever experienced.

And I know that, because it's almost two in the morning now, and I am feeling more empty than ever. There are a few cracks in my heart, and I've been trying my best to patch them all together for quite some time. This relationship has been the band aid that i keep trying to put on every time it falls off. 

But we'll keep doing this until we can't anymore. Until our shattered hearts can't be broken into pieces any smaller. And even then, we'll still find ways to piece together our mosaic broken hearts so that they can again be shattered one last time.

xoxo

-Miranda

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Happy Friday

Oh, hi.

Having a bad day?

That's okay, look at these pictures of my cute little puppy and feel better.

Happy Friday everyone!

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all the pictures are mostly of her.