School has really been dragging me down lately. Luckily it is now the weekend and I have a little time to sort out all of the things I went through over this past week. The happenings of Thursday really jump out to me when I think about the worst day this past week. Last Thursday was a very long day for me. It probably just seems twice as long because I decided not to go to school Wednesday, but either way, this is what happened:
So, I have been given the privilege to mentor girls in grades 6-8 every Thursday for the last 45 minutes of school. I've posted about it a little bit before I believe.
In a video. Because I'm the 'leader' of the group, they make me pick a topic off the top of my head and everyone goes around the circle and tells a little bit about what they think about the topic.
I haven't gone for the past two or three Thursdays. I just haven't had the time. I work very hard in school. Harder than most people will probably ever understand. Right now, for the first time ever, I may not finish the year with straight A's. All of my free time has been going to Calculus as of late in order to try to boost my 88% to a 93%. At this point there are only a couple weeks left of school. So I've accepted that it isn't going to happen and that it really doesn't matter. I'm not valedictorian anyways. So what should I care...
Anyways, I decided that I would go this last Thursday, mostly because I feel bad that they don't have me to talk to because they are really able to connect with me in a way that they can't with adults, and also because I genuinely miss them and hearing about what is going on in their lives. So last Thursday I started out by asking them to tell me one of two things: what they thought their worst quality was or what their biggest failure was. The reason I picked this was because I had a scholarship interview the other day and they asked me some really hard questions, these two included. I had a really hard time answering them. However, after thinking for a while, I was able to come up with some answers. I told the girls that once you realize what your biggest weaknesses are, you have a better chance of over coming them. Once you can point out the things about you that should be changed, it is much easier to change them. As we went around the circle most girls passed. Which didn't surprise me: it was hard for me, why should it have been easy for them?
Failure to get any answers out of them from that question led me to my next: What is the worst thing anyone could do to you? What do people do that hurt you the most?
This was definitely the right question. By the time we got back around to me, I had heard so many different things. To hear 20 some girls sitting at that big table tell me about what their 'friends' have done to them just broke my heart. I heard things like "To be lied to, to be left out, to be told I'm worthless, to be told I'm ugly, to have my family picked apart, to be judged, and
my absolute worst: to be looked at and told who I am by someone that doesn't even know me. It was definitely the worst part of my week. Probably because I remember how it was when I was their age. Every single thing that came out of their mouths has happened to me. Every.Single.Thing. After hearing all that, the one thing that I knew I had to tell them is that it doesn't get any better. At least not right away, because high school is even worse than middle school.
I felt terrible for the girls. To see the pain and the hurt in their faces as they each shared a little piece of their lives. Some were crying, some on the verge. It was very sad. I told them all that no matter what anyone says, they know who they are, and that they have to learn to love themselves because sometimes others may not. I warned them about backstabbing friends, and let them know that you really have to be careful who you trust, and told them not to put too much faith into anyone but themselves. I made sure that they understood that they are ALL beautiful, and that if anyone ever told them that they weren't to just walk away thinking 'huh, either they were just blind, or looking at somebody else' because I have never in my life seen an ugly person. I encouraged them to keep their heads up, and take my advice because I had to tell the truth: it only gets worse from here.
It's really sad that I had to tell them that. I wish everyone could learn to follow the golden rule; treat others as you would like to be treated. I wish that they didn't have the problems they did, and I wish that girls wouldn't tear each other down the way they do. I wish what I had to tell them wasn't the truth, but I know it is. Right now, up to this very day, I am dealing with all the hurtful things they told me about. It doesn't end. Girls will always make fun, they will always pick at you, make you feel less than you are, just to feel better themselves. The bottom line is that girls will always be girls: they will always be mean. In addition to that, if there is anything else I've learned through high school it's that you just have to keep your head up and be nice even to the meanest of girls with the finish line in mind, because once you're able to do that, you're already ten times a better person. I'm not going to lie, it is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. I still haven't mastered it.
The reason being a mentor for these girls is so hard for me is because when I talk to them, I see myself. I went through everything they have already gone through and everything they will go through. I just always remind them that they are beautiful, and so worth it, and that they don't have to let anyone walk all over them. I want to be there for them because no one was there for me during that time of my life. It definitely gets tough in school, but if you have someone to talk to it makes it a heck of a lot easier to keep your head up. They have a long way to go, for their journey has just begun. But I have faith in them; I made it through, didn't I? It's been a long road, but the finish line is just around the next bend now.
