Happiness is a matter of perception.

I'm sitting here in the college cafeteria. My headphones are drowning out the chattering of each neighboring table with the sound of Taylor Swift's voice. She sings about a beautiful magic love affair, a sad beautiful tragic one. In this moment I'm wondering how two things can be completely opposite yet the same all at one time. Suddenly I'm drawing parallels to my own life.

Here I am.
Watching. Waiting. Eating. Breathing.
Both eyes moving together.
One minute after another.

One mouthful of food at a time.
One breath after the next...

And to everyone in this room I probably seem to be living a rather simple life. Just watching, waiting, eating, and breathing. I suppose that is probably true. I am just watching, waiting, eating and breathing right now. But it feels like I'm doing so much more. I am living simply. But I have a severely complex schedule, which my life is based on from day to day.
I wake, shower, eat, ready myself for the day, drive either to work, or college (sometimes both), I run my department during each 10 hour shift, I go from class to class and then from student to student as I am a tutor, and when the day is done and my time is used up, I go home. I do homework, eat, ready myself for sleep, and my body shuts off for anywhere from 5-9 hours. I shouldn't make myself sound like a robot. But, I feel like one.

I feel like a confused robot. Like my life is just a long list of things to do, places to go, people to see. I think I understand what it means to feel completely opposing feelings at the same time.
Let me explain:

I'm happy because I'm making progress, and I'm getting somewhere. Slowly, but surely. There's a lot that I'm thankful for. I have a great family, decent friends, an extraordinary boyfriend. I'm smart, and beautiful. I'm not in any debt, and I recently bought myself a reliable vehicle, which I love. I have a full time job, and a part time one, and I have the privilege to tutor other students. I'm not struggling financially, as I work hard to pay for the things I have. I'm healthy, and striving. What more could a person ask for? I'm married to my life, and we have a beautiful magic love affair.

The problem is, I'm terribly sad at the same time. And no one seems to understand why. I honestly can't tell you how many times I have heard the following words:

"You have so much to look forward to in the future."

"It won't be like this forever."

"Someday you're going to look back and be happy that you did this."

"You can do it, you're so smart."

"You're so lucky."

Ah. The last two are my favorites. They think I'm lucky. They think I'm smart. Yes. That must be what this misery is. It's all luck. It's all because I'm smart.

When I hear this from people I want to grab them by the throat and choke slam them into the ground (sorry for the violence, but it's true). The consequence of my hard work, and responsible decision making is not luck. And where I am today is not just because I am smart. There is a difference between smart people and hardworking people- and I can tell you right now, that if I was smart, I would not struggle like I do.

Anyways, back to no one understanding my sadness: A few days ago I came home from work. I got up at 6:45 am, showered, and arrived to work at 8:00 am. After 10 hours I returned home to find the lights off, boyfriend sitting on the couch, controller in hand, gun fire noises filling the room. I can hardly explain what I was feeling at that moment. I was irritated. Enraged. Livid. Upset. Sad. Confused. In that order too. All within the first few seconds of walking in the door. I sat at the table, trying to collect myself, and to figure out what I ought to do. Jared came up behind me and whispered, "You've not said 10 words since you've been in the door. What's wrong?" Before I knew it nonchalant insults were flying out left and right. Jared's blood was beginning to boil, so I did I all I knew how. We stood holding eachother for at least 10 minutes before either of us said a word. 

Jared's voice came over smooth and cool, "What's wrong, honey."  

I sobbed, "I don't want to stand up any more," and I immediately crumpled to the floor.

I think we layed on the living room floor for another 20 minutes, just holding onto oneanother, not saying anything. Finally I broke the silence with the best explanation I knew to give.

"You have to understand how it feels to wake up every day knowing that in the next 24 hours, everything you do is going to be a check off the never ending, reoccurring list of things to do that you really would rather not do. It starts to really take a toll on you when you're constantly working toward a goal which gives no feeling of accomplishment until the very last time you have to go through the motions. It makes it seem unattainable, and because of that, everything you have to do that you don't want to do seems useless. Eventually you become more and more miserable, and your misery seems to be the product of useless actions that will never bring you any closer to accomplishing your goal."

He listened patiently.

My voice was muffled by his chest. "Sometimes I just want to give up."

I felt his hand begin to rub circles into my back. His soft lips kissed my forehead. 

"I'm sad because there is nothing I am doing today, or any day, that I want to do. I haven't been able to do the things I want to do in so long. What is the purpose of having your own life if it is not to do what you want to do with it each and every day?"

"What do you want to do?" He asked.

I stared blankly at the wall directly across from us. It occured to me that no one had ever asked me this question before. I have always taken the reigns and done whatever is in my best interest, whether I want to do it or not.

 The question repeated itself again and again in my mind. What do I want to do?

"Well?" He urged me to answer.

"I want to be happy," I said quietly.

Jared looked me straight in the face and said, "Then be happy. Just be happy." 

Suddenly it was just that simple. Being happy is not what happens when you do certain things. Being happy does not have to be the result of what you do in a day. Being happy is having a positive state of mind. It is not worrying about what was or what will be, but rather what is. Being happy is taking things day by day. One foot in front of the other. Being happy is taking things one second at a time, for however long it takes. It is taking the good and the bad together, and making the best of things. Afterall, you can't have one without the other. Being happy is embracing the dualities in our lives and choosing to put more energy into the good parts than the bad.

So, in the next few days, when work and school combined with everything else that makes a teenager's life completely hectic takes over, causing me to feel like I'm married to a life that is sad beautiful and tragic, I will remember that while it seems sad and tragic, it is still beautiful. And that being happy it is only a matter of perception that can only be decided by the eye of the beholder.