i made a difference.

Recently, on February 9, 2012, I gave blood through an American Red Cross blood drive that National Honor Society hosted at my school. It was very cool and I am extremely happy that I was able to donate. Giving blood can be a life changing event. Seriously. Consider my story:

Donating blood is very important to me because of something that happened to my daddy when I was younger. He was in a very serious stabbing incident and was rushed to the hospital via helicopter. He died three times on the way there and lost roughly 5 pints of his own blood. He is living today because of 24 blood transfusions offered to him from people like me who donated their blood for a bigger cause. He is healthy and strong today, and wears 12 scars on his neck, chest, and arms from the wounds that a 7 inch knife created as proof that he is a survivor.

My daddy is alive because someone else chose to make a difference. I saved three lives in five minutes and 40 seconds. 

 I made a difference, 

and so can you.

A Year From Now

A Year From Now by Across Five Aprils

This song runs deep for me. I've loved it ever since you introduced me to it and I always will.

Complete and total adoration,

My gift to you, my heart was yours.

In ten weeks you shaped it,

In one night you murdered it.

Torn from my chest and laid at your feet,

That first step you took was the worst.

Since then you've walked a thousand miles in silence and short remark,

I still have these memories,

But we'll never see what we could have been.

Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?

Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?

Remember, cause that's all you can do.

We'll never make another memory,

We'll never make another memory.

I wish I'd have died in your arms the last time we were together,

So I wouldn't have to wake without you today.

This time I thought things were real.

You said they were, what happened?

You were a priority, was I an option?

I let you see a side of me that I don't share with anyone.

Promises are just words unless they are fulfilled.

you knew from the beginning all I had to offer you was my heart,

I'm sorry that wasn't enough.

So, we'll go our own ways,

And hopefully you'll remember the things I've told you,

Hopefully you'll understand that everything I said was in sincerity.

A broken heart is not what I wanted from this,

But I guess I've learned from it.

But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?

I don't consider this a mistake,

I just wish the story didn't end this way,

Cause I'm still in love with the person who helped me write it.

Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?

Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?

Falling

Falling by The Civil Wars

At this point I don't have a whole lot to say. Things are falling apart quickly...More on the situation later. For now, here's a song that describes it better than I can right now..

Haven't you seen me sleep walking?

'Cause I've been holding your hand

Haven't you noticed me drifting?

Oh, let me tell you, I am

Tell me it's nothing

Try to convince me

That I'm not drowning

Oh let me tell you, I am

Please, please tell me you know

I've got to let you go

I can't help falling

Out of love with you

Why am I feeling so guilty?

Why am I holding my breath?

Worry 'bout everyone but me

I just keep losing myself

Tell me it's nothing

Try to convince me

That I'm not drowning

Oh let me tell you, I am

Please, please tell me you know

I've got to let you go

I can't help falling

Out of love with you

Won't you read my mind?

Don't you let me lie here

And die here

Please, please tell me you know

I've got to let you go

I can't help falling

Out of love with you

Haven't you noticed?

I'm sleepwalking

Back To December

Back To December by Taylor Swift

This song is one of my absolute favorites. When I listen to it I tend to think of a certain person. They seem to be on my mind more now than ever. If I had never left, we wouldn't have the problems we do today. My apologies. If I could go back, you know I would...Taylor's songs tell our story so well. </3

I'm so glad you made time to see me

How's life? Tell me, how's your family?

I haven't seen them in a while

You've been good, busier than ever

We small talk, work and the weather

Your guard is up, and I know why

Because the last time you saw me

Is still burned in the back of your mind

You gave me roses, and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride

Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night

And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I go back to December, turn around and make it alright

I go back to December all the time

These days, I haven't been sleeping

Staying up, playing back myself leaving

When your birthday passed, and I didn't call

Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times

I watched you laughing from the passenger side

And realized I loved you in the fall

And then the cold came, the dark days

When fear crept into my mind

You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride

Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night

And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind

I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile

So good to me, so right

And how you held me in your arms that September night

The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking

Probably mindless dreaming

But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't

So if the chain is on your door, I understand

This is me swallowing my pride

Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night

And I go back to December

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I go back to December, turn around and make it alright

I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind

I go back to December all the time, all the time.

i don't love you...

...but I always will.

I haven't written anything in the past few days because my mind has been wandering so much that I don't think I could have sat down and wrote a complete thought if I tried. Recently something tremendous has changed. For the longest time I thought I wanted to go to college at Central Michigan University. Then I changed my mind and decided that I would go to the community college for two years, take all my prerequisites and transfer. I thought that if I stayed close to home I could live with my boyfriend in town near the community college. Something happened to be a couple days ago, and ever since I've been reconsidering. I have made up my mind, and I am going to college somewhere far away from my home town. Today I spent the majority of my morning chattering with my best friend about applying to Grand Valley State University and making plans to room with her after I receive my acceptance letter. This afternoon I applied to Grand Valley. My application is in, and tomorrow morning my transcripts will be sent as well. 

This was all kind of last minute. As you know, it is already almost the middle of February. By now, most people have put in their applications, got their acceptance letters back, and made a decision about where to go based on their best interest. So you're probably wondering why my decision has been put off, and what it is about my "best interest" that I have been questioning. 

To be completely honest...it's more about someone else than it is me. Which is strange, because that's also how it was before I changed my mind about it all. Before I changed my mind, when I wanted to go to community college, it was because I didn't want to leave my boyfriend behind. I made plans based around what would be good for both of us. But recently, I've decided that living with him probably isn't the best idea if I want to stay moved out of home. Moving back home after leaving is the last thing I want to do. And who is to say that my boyfriend and I are going to get along perfectly? Who is to say we won't? It's quite the risk. I'm not choosing to move away and go to college without him because I'm too afraid to take the risk. And I'm not moving away to go to college without him because I think that being away is going to be easier than being together every second. I'm not really sure what is going to happen with us.

Maybe I'm going to test our relationship. 

Maybe I'm seeing if I can get out of it because I'm unsure about how I want to spend the rest of my life.

Maybe this is the perfect opportunity to get away while I still have a chance.

Maybe this is the perfect opportunity to realize what I have before I lose it.

I have no idea what will happen. But I'm excited. And it's a good feeling. Something new might happen.

So now you're wondering who the other person is that has influenced me to choose a different path than I had originally planned. About a week ago someone from my past reentered my life. I mentioned this person in a post from quite a while ago. I thought it was goodbye at the time. However, I didn't mention that about 30 minutes after posting what I did that day, we were talking. A few days later we found ourselves reentering silence. A few weeks went by, and I received a text message that read: "Good morning, if its not too late I'd like to salvage some sorta friendship while there's still something left to save..."

That message meant the world to me.

There is just something about this person that I cannot explain. We're are so deeply connected, even after weeks of silence. I know I said before that it was goodbye for good. And I said that because I really thought that it would be better for the both of us. But the only reason its better for the both of us is because we have a terrible time coping when we talk because we both want something that one of us isn't willing to give. That person is me. I know you're wondering why if I want something I wouldn't do everything in my power to have it. That is where this story gets complicated. Our story has been nothing but complications right from the start. Things with this person and I will never be quite right because of the things we've done in the past. But that's to be saved for another time. Anyways, I believe everything happens for a reason, and right now the way the cards are falling, everything looks pretty good for this person and I. The pieces of the puzzle are finally coming together, however, the pieces of the puzzle that I've build in the meantime are not fitting as well now as they had before this person and I started talking. We'll see what college life brings. Hopefully something different. Maybe not. 

Either way, I heard something today that I think is true: 

What you know will eventually override your feelings.

So basically, I know something to be true deep down in my heart. I cant go on it because of one thing: my feelings. But eventually, you have to do what you know is true, not what you feel might be true. I know things about myself and about what I really want., and I know that eventually I have to go on what I know, not what I feel.Your feelings are fickle. And they always confuse you, however, what you know is always true. I KNOW there is something for this person and I. We just haven't figured out what it is. This person is SUPPOSED to be in my life. I know they are.

I just haven't quite figured out where they fit best just yet.

Hopefully moving to a college 20 minutes from them will help clear things up for me.

I pray what is whole in my life right now doesn't shatter in my efforts to put together what once was.

No matter what. Everything happens for a reason. So, here's to the future.

May it be a bright one...

personal statement.

I had to write a personal statement for a scholarship I filled out today. The directions were to "describe someone or something which has been a major influence in your life". This is what I wrote:

As children we cling to our parents. We find comfort through the love of our mother and safety through the protection of our father. As we grow older the majority of what we learn comes first hand from our parents, and as time goes on, we learn from our experiences. As major influences in our lives, our parents and our experiences shape us into who we will be. I have come in contact with a multitude of people and situations that have been a major influence on me. Of these, my parents have definitely been the most critical one.

My parents did not start building a life together with the intention of it falling apart. Three months after they met I was conceived. To them, getting married after I was born and starting a family was the right thing to do. Unfortunately, the circumstances would not allow for such a fulfilling future. I was two when my parents married, my mother pregnant with her third child. Seven years later they divorced and have both been struggling since. Their struggle can be attributed to a number of things, though lack of education seems to stand out the most to me: one graduated, however, neither pursued further education through college. Because of this they are both working low income jobs and neither of them receives adequate health care services nor do they have extra money to start a retirement fund. Despite what they do not have, they are happy with what they do have, and they do whatever they can to continue moving forward.

Sometimes the biggest influences in our lives are not what was said or done, but what was not said or done. My parents have taught me that education is very important without even meaning to. Their actions have been a major influence in my life and have made me realize that, if I want to be a successful, stable, thriving individual, education is a must. I have every intention of making my parents proud by pursuing a career through college education and by providing my children with advantages my parents could not provide me. 

curiosity motive.

So I took intro to psychology last semester as one of my college classes and I learned that there is such a thing as the "curiosity motive". It basically means that you are ‘curious’ and you like to see what there is to see. Today I moved my room around, which is an example of the curiosity motive. There’s a Friday Fact for you. (o:

I took before and after photos so you can see the difference. I really liked how it was before, but I also really like this way as well. Nearly every time I move my room around if I don’t like it at first, it will eventually grow on me. This time there is more space to move around because my bed is against the wall, though last time it was more convenient because I got better reception next to my desk which made late night texting much easier. Either way, I like this setup just as much as the previous one and I’m sure I’ll like it just as much as whatever setup it is next month.

Before:

After:

The reason I like to move my room around is more than just because it gives me something to do when I’m bored. Most people don’t like change, however, I am not one of those people. I cannot stand things to be the exact same every day all day. I prefer to switch things up a bit every now and again. When I move my room around everything feels new. Because I practically live in my room, and I rarely ever come out except to eat and use the bathroom, it feels like a completely different place after having moved it all around. It feels like a new start. I like to ‘start over’ sometimes. It feels nice to give yourself another chance to do things right. If you don’t believe me, you should try it sometime. 

Untouchable

Untouchable by Taylor Swift

This is one of  my absolute favorite song in the entire world. It has been since forever. It is that song that you can play on repeat and never get sick of. It is the most played some on my iTunes at 9,374 plays; followed closely by Last Kiss by Taylor Swift with 3,800 plays. Taylor Swift is my favorite artist as you can probably tell. I've recently taken a liking to her song "If This Was A Movie" as well. 

Untouchable like a distant diamond sky

I'm reaching out and I just can't tell you why

I'm caught up in you, I'm caught up in you

Untouchable, burning brighter than the sun

And when you're close, I feel like coming undone

In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream

It's like a million little stars spelling out your name

You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together

Come on, come on, little taste of heaven

It's half full and I won't wait here all day

I know you're saying that you'd be here anyway

But you're untouchable, burning brighter than the sun

Now that you're close, I feel like coming undone

In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream

It's like a million little stars spelling out your name

You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together

Come on, come on, oh

In the middle of the night waking from this dream

I wanna feel you by my side, standing next to me

You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together

Come on, come on, little taste of heaven

I'm caught up in you

Oh, oh, oh

But your untouchable, burning brighter than the sun

Now that you're close, I feel like coming undone

In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream

It's like a million little stars spelling out your name

You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together

Come on, come on, oh

(x2)

In the middle of the night waking from this dream

I wanna feel you by my side, standing next to me

You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together

Come on, come on, little taste of heaven

And in the middle of the night when I'm in this dream

It's like a million little stars spelling out your name

You gotta come on, come on, come on, come on

Come on, come on, oh, oh, oh

Like a million little stars spelling out your name

They're spelling out your name, oh

good times like this.

I have recently been having exceptionally good days. This whole week has been a fairly good one. Today was especially good. So I want to blog about the best part of today because even though it was only a small part of my day, it was important, and I believe that it's the little things that count.

First of all, when I left school I didn't have any homework. Except that I have a physics test tomorrow, but I don't consider studying homework because even though you have to be really involved and self motivated to study alone, it isn't required and no one HAS to do it. So tonight when I got off the bus I watched television with my dad for about an hour and then I pulled out my physics and worked on it through dinner up until about 8:00. At 8:00 I took a shower and started my laundry, which has been neglected for nearly 2 weeks, then I got right back to studying and now its about 9:30 and I'm taking another break to write this blog and then I'll probably read the chapter and then it's off to bed for me.

You're probably wondering why today has been a good day for me. Usually when someone studies for 4 hours they don't consider it a "good" day. I don't mind studying. If you want to succeed sometimes you have to do things that might not necessarily be "fun". Studying can be relaxing, and relieving if you do it the right way. I just give myself plenty of time so I don't feel rushed. It makes me feel relieved because when I get the test I know that I've got a better handle on it that I would if I hadn't studied, and I *generally* do better if I studied than if I didn't.

The other part of my day that was great was dinner. Even though I ate in the dining room by myself, my plate surrounded by books, it was a good time for me. Mostly because I like being alone and because I like studying and because tonight we had my absolute favorite dinner: Sloppy Joes and Tater Tots.

Delicious. 

So basically this post is just to stress that even the littlest things can have the biggest impact on an individual's life. Today is a perfect demonstration of just that. I mean really, who wouldnt want to watch tv with their dad for a bit, study for a few hours and eat an amazing dinner? Sounds like a close to perfect night to me. I have nothing to complain about at this point. And tomorrow is Friday, even better.

You enjoy your night for me. (o:

a decent day.

Today was an easy day for me. Not a whole lot going on at school so that was good. After school things got even better. I went into town and visited Walmart and MC sports. I got a new backpack. And it was on sale so that made it even better. Originally it was $39.99 but I got it for $24.47! I love finding good bargains.

Also, today at my college class I got to lift finger prints which was so awesome. My professor also showed us how to lift prints with a gas and other powders. Criminal investigation is right up my ally. I am fully appreciative of days like this. Today was good. I'm more than satisfied. (o: