i don't love you...

...but I always will.

I haven't written anything in the past few days because my mind has been wandering so much that I don't think I could have sat down and wrote a complete thought if I tried. Recently something tremendous has changed. For the longest time I thought I wanted to go to college at Central Michigan University. Then I changed my mind and decided that I would go to the community college for two years, take all my prerequisites and transfer. I thought that if I stayed close to home I could live with my boyfriend in town near the community college. Something happened to be a couple days ago, and ever since I've been reconsidering. I have made up my mind, and I am going to college somewhere far away from my home town. Today I spent the majority of my morning chattering with my best friend about applying to Grand Valley State University and making plans to room with her after I receive my acceptance letter. This afternoon I applied to Grand Valley. My application is in, and tomorrow morning my transcripts will be sent as well. 

This was all kind of last minute. As you know, it is already almost the middle of February. By now, most people have put in their applications, got their acceptance letters back, and made a decision about where to go based on their best interest. So you're probably wondering why my decision has been put off, and what it is about my "best interest" that I have been questioning. 

To be completely honest...it's more about someone else than it is me. Which is strange, because that's also how it was before I changed my mind about it all. Before I changed my mind, when I wanted to go to community college, it was because I didn't want to leave my boyfriend behind. I made plans based around what would be good for both of us. But recently, I've decided that living with him probably isn't the best idea if I want to stay moved out of home. Moving back home after leaving is the last thing I want to do. And who is to say that my boyfriend and I are going to get along perfectly? Who is to say we won't? It's quite the risk. I'm not choosing to move away and go to college without him because I'm too afraid to take the risk. And I'm not moving away to go to college without him because I think that being away is going to be easier than being together every second. I'm not really sure what is going to happen with us.

Maybe I'm going to test our relationship. 

Maybe I'm seeing if I can get out of it because I'm unsure about how I want to spend the rest of my life.

Maybe this is the perfect opportunity to get away while I still have a chance.

Maybe this is the perfect opportunity to realize what I have before I lose it.

I have no idea what will happen. But I'm excited. And it's a good feeling. Something new might happen.

So now you're wondering who the other person is that has influenced me to choose a different path than I had originally planned. About a week ago someone from my past reentered my life. I mentioned this person in a post from quite a while ago. I thought it was goodbye at the time. However, I didn't mention that about 30 minutes after posting what I did that day, we were talking. A few days later we found ourselves reentering silence. A few weeks went by, and I received a text message that read: "Good morning, if its not too late I'd like to salvage some sorta friendship while there's still something left to save..."

That message meant the world to me.

There is just something about this person that I cannot explain. We're are so deeply connected, even after weeks of silence. I know I said before that it was goodbye for good. And I said that because I really thought that it would be better for the both of us. But the only reason its better for the both of us is because we have a terrible time coping when we talk because we both want something that one of us isn't willing to give. That person is me. I know you're wondering why if I want something I wouldn't do everything in my power to have it. That is where this story gets complicated. Our story has been nothing but complications right from the start. Things with this person and I will never be quite right because of the things we've done in the past. But that's to be saved for another time. Anyways, I believe everything happens for a reason, and right now the way the cards are falling, everything looks pretty good for this person and I. The pieces of the puzzle are finally coming together, however, the pieces of the puzzle that I've build in the meantime are not fitting as well now as they had before this person and I started talking. We'll see what college life brings. Hopefully something different. Maybe not. 

Either way, I heard something today that I think is true: 

What you know will eventually override your feelings.

So basically, I know something to be true deep down in my heart. I cant go on it because of one thing: my feelings. But eventually, you have to do what you know is true, not what you feel might be true. I know things about myself and about what I really want., and I know that eventually I have to go on what I know, not what I feel.Your feelings are fickle. And they always confuse you, however, what you know is always true. I KNOW there is something for this person and I. We just haven't figured out what it is. This person is SUPPOSED to be in my life. I know they are.

I just haven't quite figured out where they fit best just yet.

Hopefully moving to a college 20 minutes from them will help clear things up for me.

I pray what is whole in my life right now doesn't shatter in my efforts to put together what once was.

No matter what. Everything happens for a reason. So, here's to the future.

May it be a bright one...