calculus.

This is kind of a random blog, but I've been thinking a lot lately, and I need to get some of this out.

For one I had a super crappy day at school.

Like SUPERRRRR crappy.

For whatever reason, when I came into my senior year of high school I decided that it would benefit me in the long run to take physics and calculus. I'm sure that it will someday. But right now I am having a heck of a time trying to figure out not only how to do the problems for each subject, but also why in the world I decided to take on this burden. Math is not my strong subject; as a result, I am severely struggling.

Unfortunately, I'm the kind of person that is extremely competitive, and when I don't do something quite as good as someone else, or even when I do, if it isn't REALLY good, I feel like it isn't good enough. Even if I did my best. I've been told a million times that if you try your best, that has to be good enough.

But not for me.

Because for whatever reason I cannot accept that I may have done everything in my power and it wasn't as good as someone else. Because in my eyes, it isn't fair.

What sucks even more is the fact that this is one of my new year's resolutions and I have already failed miserably. Today in calculus we played Jeopardy, a game where we get into teams and whichever team answers the most questions correctly gets up to 3% extra credit on their test which we all take tomorrow. The last section we learned was the day before Christmas break, so we're all a bit rusty on the material.

I hate jeopardy.

because my team always loses.

and that never goes over well when you're as competitive as I am.

And I am really working on my new years resolution. I am really trying to accept that my best is good enough. and that if there's nothing more I could have done, I should be satisfied with what ever score I get.

I tried reminding myself that jeopardy is not about the extra credit.

It's not about winning, or being the smartest person in the class.

It is for the sole purpose of relearning, and refreshing our memories.

It is only to help us do better on the test tomorrow.

But that didn't work. Because I left the class flustered and rather upset. I still cannot accept that: My absolute best, when I have done my homework, studied, applied myself, took notes, etc, as long as I have done everything I possibly could have done to prepare myself, whatever grade I receive, IS good enough. I'm trying to. But it's not working.

Well all this negativity got me thinking.

For one, you're either smart (things come naturally to you) or hardworking (you struggle, but through hard work can pull it off). I am obviously hardworking. And I realized, that isn't such a bad thing after all. No matter how smart you are, you're never going to get any satisfaction from the grades you receive, because you aren't working even half as hard as someone else who does and gets the same grades as you. Also, being hardworking is a good trait to have, because at least if you've worked for everything you have ever received in your life, you know how to deal with struggle. I am a better person because I work harder than those who just automatically understand. I have better studying skills. I know how to handle failure. And when I get into the real world, and things aren't always straight forward, I know how to work to make them line up how they should. Therefore, I feel bad for those of you who are smart, rather than hardworking.

Wow. Congratulations, Calculus, you've actually taught me more than just how to find the derivative of 

y= sin (1-x). 

Which is -cos (1-x) if I'm not mistaken.

And if I am, looks like I need to stop blogging and go redo my chapter review for the 3rd time.

Have a wonderful evening.

And if I can't, I hope you can at least accept that the best you can do really is good enough!